only porn and horses

So Liverpool in an attempt to crack the American market for their owners have allowed Fox TV to make a documentary series called “Being Liverpool”, a programme that follows the day to day goings on behind the scenes , which has got me thinking what would “Being West Ham” be like, imagine if a camera crew could follow our owners into the boardroom and eves drop into their conversations . I imagine it would be something like this, Set the scene, West Ham owners have just trudged back into the boardroom after the end of their 1st full season in charge, which ended in relegation. GOLDIE “what we gonna do Sully we need to get back up at the 1st time of asking or our dream will be gone” SULLY “ don’t worry yourself old man I know what I am doing its all part of my master plan” GOLDIE “ what’s that sully boy “ SULLY “drive the share price down so I can snap up the rest of the shares off the Icelandic’s at a lower price, get back up 1st time of asking and I’ll be quid’s in” GOLDIE “ what do you mean I” SULLY “sorry Goldie I mean we. Slip of the old tongue. Where that KAREN” In walks Karen Brady, West Ham’s Vice Chairman. SULLY “ah about time to Brazza where you been “ KB “ I’ve just told Kevin Keen to forget about wanting the managers job” GOLDIE “ why did you do that” KB “ Because I sacked him” GOLDIE “ but he’s West Ham through and through” SULLY “Don’t worry about that, I’ve got some one lined up, a sure fire winner some one guaranteed to get this club where I want it. Brazza Stick the kettle on love and don’t forget the Hobnobs “ GOLDIE “ I remember once we were gonna make a Dildo called a Hob Knob, thought it might appeal to women who like to do it in the Kitchen” Sully and Karen just look and shake their heads. In the background the sound of music can be heard getting louder, it’s the imperial March from Star Wars Du du d du duu d duu d du duuu. The door to the board room opens and in walks a giant of a man, dressed in black he breathes heavy, in and out, in and out, Goldie struggles to get his words out as he looks on in fear GOLDIE “It’s It’s” SULLY “ Say hello to our new manager Goldie Big Fat Sam. Whats with the Heavy breathing Sam. BFS “ bye eck Sully those stairs are a killer” GOLDIE “ Whats he doing here sully, you promised me the next manager would be a football man, some one with a bit of class, a West Ham man” SULLY “ oh shut up you tart. We were lucky to get him; Real Madrid And Barcelona was after him you know. Aint that right Sam.” BFS “ Oh YEAH,,,,,, Well Real macribs and Barca lone star, they both play at power league in Accrington on a Thursday. Macribs were the favourite to get me, sponsored by the local McDonalds’, offered me all I could eat mcflurries. But when I got your call Sully I flew down here as quick as the old Quattro could carry me.” GOLDIE “ I told you in January when screwed O’Neil about, I don’t think the fans SULLY “ They will Goldie, that’s the beauty of relegation, these muppetts, sorry fans, will swallow it, just like the punters that buy those dodgy blue pills we knock out in the back the Sport, desperate to see it rise they will swallow anything.” BFS “ Is that tea coming and have you got any Eccles cake, I like Eccles cake I do” KB “ Ive got crackers Sam “ BFS “ Aye love you have, a right pair of crackers they are, but I really fancy cake with me tea, just like me Ma gave me when I was but a nipper “ SULLY “ Don’t worry goldie, ive got a plan, . BFS will get us up in the 1st year wont you Sam” BFS “ Aye, will do. Ill make this team the biggest in the land within 2 years” SULLY “ See Goldie, we can do it. With my leadership, Sams managemnt, Braaza’s ability to bullshit with best and you as the Figure head, the matriarch, the man whose come back home like Moses to lead us to our MECCA” BFS “ MECCA, did you say Mecca. I like a game of Bingo, used to play it with my Mam down t club, just before the Strippers came on” SULLY “ No Sam, not Bingo, STRATFORD, THE OLYMPIC STADIUM. If we can get into there, what with flogging this place and knock out a couple of the other sites well be quids in. THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WELL BE BILLIONAIRES” Cue the closing theme tune. We've got some half price Adult tickets and miles and miles of dodgy scarfs, T.V.s, garden gnomes and cockney reject L.P.s, Ball games, gold chains, whatsnames, and leather goods, And Trevor Brooking track suits from a geezer in the Spotted Dog, DOG, DOG DOG DOG DOG ... No income tax, no V.A.T., No money back, no guarantee, long or short, pass or hoof We'll play the game very longgggggg God bless Green Street, Viva Green Street, Long live Green Street, C'est magnifique, Green Street, Magnifique, Green Street, Green Street (to fade) Apparently the working title was “Only Porn and Whoreses” and you’ll have to wait to later in the season to see what happened next.